August is my least favorite month of the year. Too hot, too dry and dusty, summer clothes have become a bore, mosquito bites are a misery and the whole neighborhood smells of barbeque.
This irritable, August frame of mind is kind of fun. Any day that doesn't go well, I can blame on August. Irrational, of course, but a bit of a buss man's holiday since, as a therapist, I believe that blaming is at the root of many emotional problems. Albert Ellis (1913-2007) father of Rational Emotive Therapy, went so far as to say all problems share a single root: blaming and demanding.
Certainly, there are times when it's important to know, in the name of justice and to avoid repeating mistakes, who holds the responsibility. You might call this rational blaming. But a ton of blaming has noting to do with rational thinking, au contraire. Often, blaming serves to hide one's own bad behavior, to try to control the behavior of others, to get revenge and to feel superior. And then there is the cognitive error that if the wrong doer is labeled, the problem goes away. Knowing who spilt the milk will not put the milk back in the bottle ... but yelling about it is a nice release, at least temporarily.
A learned behavior, blaming can be unlearned by practicing accepting responsibility for a mistake or bad behavior even if only a part of the problem can be attributed to you. A funny thing happens when you step up to the plate and say this part is my fault. (I am not talking about awful, false equivalency) It takes a bit of courage but it actually feels freeing. Since you own the poor behavior, you no longer have to hide or defend. As a bonus, you may be admired for being forthright and honest. Sometimes, other culprits will follow your lead and also fess up. And, importantly, owning failure allows you to learn from a mistake and move on. Ellis had this to say: "The best years of your life are ones in which you do not blame them on your mother, the ecology or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."
Ellis believed that there are three "musts" (demands) that hold us back (and make us blamers) I must do well. You must treat me well. The world must be easy.
Having said all this, I still dislike August and I thank Mother Nature (whose fault it is not) that autumn is on its way.
Fault Lines
Soiled, smelt, dripped
Splashed, spilt, pinched,
Bawled, hit, bit.
Who spilt the milk?
Punked, rocked, flunked,
Dyed, smoked, lied,
Drink, drank, drunk.
Who do you think you are?
Swore, burnt, fried,
Fought, gnashed, crashed,
Yelled, failed, bailed.
Whose fault is it?
Broke, doped, bent,
Drooled, pooped, stooped,
Dried, cried, died.
Who made a mess?
Bridget Harwell
3 comments:
This really resonates with me for a few people I know. How you and Ellis have explained it really clarifies things - getting to the root, as you say. Besides getting therapy, (obviously the best course,) I can't imagine how a person could encourage another to start accepting their part in the blame...
And this is another dysfunctional psychological coping strategy, but... if you think you hate August in Cleveland... maybe you should visit Texas. ;-)
Well, Amy, as soon as I had my rant about August the weather here turned cool and lovely. I can't imagine August in TX.
As to your point, you can't change another. But holding the idea that feelings are layered, beneath the feeling of blame there is another feeling...such as fear, envy, power. A good question is "What's beneath this?"
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