Who Do You Own?

I imagine the immediate answer to this question is, "No one," as the idea of owning another person is repugnant.  But not so repugnant that it doesn't come up frequently in relationships.  Many couples practice ownership of their partner. That is, they think it's their right to tell their partner what do do.  Not suggest or discuss but  tell.  Wear this, eat that. Clean, repair, spend as I direct.  More subtly, the owner may give the partner life lessons such as how to respond in various situations, whom to chose as friends, what taste to acquire.  The owner may come off as bossy or quietly superior but the reasons for ownership usually are: I'm doing it for the other's own good. I love____and I know more about somethings than she does.  I'm not going to stand by and watch him destroy his life. My well being is affected by her behaviors so I have a right to try and change them.

 Everyone knows you can't fix another but if you practice ownership you are a fixer.  The fixer holds a superior position, the fixee inferior.  Demanding and blaming are actions of an owner.  Requesting and explaining are actions of a partner.   Trying to own your partner isn't  going to change anything.  Try giving up the idea and, most importantly, the feeling, that you own another and see if over time the dialog (also know as  fights) doesn't change. And remember, in this world you don't get everything you want.

Below is an excerpt from our new book  LIES, Chapter 20: Managing Dislike, p.76

People can destroy relationships because they must have their say.  Like all of us, they have heard the most common piece of relationship advice: you cannot change another.  Nevertheless, they cannot resist trying. Their partner is clearly in the wrong. Hurtful words are blurted out or a soft approach is tried. Either way it's criticism and if it happens often, the relationship will suffer.  The criticism rarely feels like it's for your own good or the good of the relationship.  It feels more like the critic is taking care of him/herself, unloading dislike in the name of being open and honest.  And while the critic may feel relief and self-righteous, the one criticized feels beaten up.

WE ARE VERY EXCITED

Today our book makes its way into the big, wide world. LIES: The Truth About the Self-Deception that Limits Your Life is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and IUniverse Bookstore as of this instant and will be for sale on other sites soon. We will be sure to keep you posted. We would love to hear any feedback and, if you do like the book, would be most grateful for any kind of review you might post on Amazon or B & N. 

The book was a labor of love and hard work--a wonderfully collaborative process. Thank you in advance to all our readers. We are most grateful.

Pick up that Crayon

Can tango lessons change your life? My friend Jake thinks so.  Prompted by a sign in the window of a studio near his house and, more importantly, by the desire to interrupt the routine of his life, Jake took off his business suit, put on dancing shoes and bravely went out one evening to learn to tango.  He loved it.  Adding tango to his life has energized him, given him a different slant on who he is and what he can do.  He's talking abut Argentina for his next vacation and about learning Spanish though, like dancing, he has told himself languages are not for him.  He has more energy and finds more enjoyment in all aspects of his life.  That's a lot to get from two classes a week of tango.

What happened for Jake can happen for the rest of us.  The secret is to tap into the creativity that dwells in all of us.  We are born with the creative urge; to make something else from what is, whether it's a thing, an idea or an action.  Think of the toddler who picks p a crayon, presses it to paper and, voila, something new is born.  If we think that creativity is only for special people of high intelligence and great talents, we can fail to give expression to creativity in our own, everyday lives.

We get tired of doing the same old things day in and day out and we dream of big changes, like winning the lottery or meeting some gorgeous person or moving to a remote island, none of which is likely to happen.  But, we can choose to do or learn or create something different.  Julie decided to take up painting though she felt she had no talent for it.  But she loves color and she loves messing with paints and charcoals and the hours fly by. And she has that special satisfaction that comes from the outward expression of inner sensibilities.  Whether it's beading or writing poetry, letters to the editor or a blog, decorating your home for the seasons or joining a nature group, giving creative expression a chance will increase satisfaction with daily life and take you places as yet unknown.  Unplug the inhibitions that tell you what you can't do.  If it feels a little awkward, a teeny crazy and not like you at all, go for it.

Haiku for Lunch

I have wiped away
the print you left on my life,
but a smudge remains.

Now that I know life
it is too late to put on
a different show.

Here is a green field
where you can lie down and rest.
No thoughts, no actions.

 Bridget Harwell

*Haiku: an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin
having three lines of five, seven and five syllables.

But Enough About You

So many relationships sour because people insist on being understood.  All the time.  Being understood is not the same thing as being loved, yet people often say, "If you really loved me you would understand me, you would  know what it's like to be me."  Mostly, this is adolescent fantasy; the dream of meeting a person who will love you and totally know you. A lover and  an idealized parent; a person who cares more about your happiness than their own, who is thrilled by, interested in and caters to your ever changing moods and inner thoughts.

As an adult you revisit some of these feelings when you fall in love, that blissful time of total union.  But time demonstrates that, though a couple, you are also individuals and that, while united in many ways, you also live individual lives.  You may love your mate with all your heart but you don't really want to know (or worse, have to guess) their every little thought and worry.  You begin to resent a partner who demands that you pay attention to her/his needs and moods.  Who demands that their inner life be as important, or more important, than your own.  Such tiffs and fights over this egocentric idea.  Many good times ruined because you think being understood is an essential ingredient for happiness.  I put it behind kindness, generosity and humor. No understanding is not, of course, a good thing.  I'm talking about degree in a culture that encourages a long adolescence.  You can dance, make love, raise children, share fun and sorrow and know a person through sharing.  You can also think about yourself so much that you miss life and who you might be in real time.

The Morning After Valentine's Day

How did Valentine's Day go for you?  Did you wake up this morning feeling grateful and loved?  Disappointed or shattered? Or totally indifferent to the whole valentine set-up?  It's an easy day to love or hate. If you have someone special in your life, it can be a fun day but if you're alone, and don't want to be, it can be painful. And, if you like being on a soap-box, it makes for a good rant.  There's lots to say about  commercializing affairs of the heart and pressuring people to display their feelings.

Then there is the very uncomfortable position of no longer loving someone but feeling the need to fulfill  expectations.  You celebrate the day but your heart isn't in it.  How sharp the falsehood feels on Valentine's Day.

Hopefully, this was not your day, but if it was, here's a bit of sympathy.  Because the heart does want what the heart wants no matter how one manipulates it. So, for you pretenders, here's a small poem.


Fade

As fire chokes
and sweetness burns,
as the page yellows
and the sky grays,
so too our love,
my love,
and we must
put it
away

Bridget Harwell

The 75% Rule

I believe in the 75% rule. In my book, if we can get 75% of any given desire in any given situation, we are doing quite well. Somehow the 100% standard of perfection has a way of slipping in and messing up our expectations, causing nothing but suffering. Reminding ourselves that enough is really enough can free us from that kind of needless pain.

The following has been circulating on the web and, as far as I can tell, the author is unknown. To me it articulates the essence of the 75% rule. What do you think?

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hello’s to get you through the final good-bye.”

Voices

Procrastination as a way of life is a delicate, self-inflicted wound, a cause of misery in many lives. Most of us put things off a bit, but when the putting off is an engrained habit and applies to both things we don't want to do and things we do want to do there's a problem. It's a problem not easily shared.  It can feel shameful to look like you don't care about work or school or pepole.  Are you just lazy and undependable or is something going on with you?  There are many explanations for procrastination, some of them complex, but often they involve a voice from the past. Take Emily's case.

Bright, funny and energetic, but chores piled up in Emily's life and friends got annoyed when they didn't  hear back from her. It wasnt't about time; this had always been her way.  Eventually, it all got done, usually quite well, and Emily was left wondering why she behaved in ways not compatible with her desires. Here's a summary of what Emily and I discovered.

Early in life, Emily learned that work was to be dreaded.   Her father hated his work and there was huge tension in the house whenever he had to meet a deadline. Her strict mother saw all house activates as chores to get through.  She complained about everything.  Sunday nights were awful, everyone trying not to think about looming Monday.  Even though she liked it, Emily feared school.

Emily thought she had worked through the roadblocks her parents left her.  She didn't realize that their voices had become her voice.  I asked her, the next time she was in an avoidance cycle, to put words to the feelings she pushed down by watching TV, overeating and staying isolated.  It was a hard task because it made her think about the thing that had to be done; the project she had to write up for work.  She wrote: I don't know how to write it.  I'm lazy.  I hate working.  You can never get away from it.  Everything is work.  The world is a terrible place.  I'm only safe when I hide.

Once she put words to the jumble of anxiety she felt, she was able to counter with her own truth: She was good at her job, her work was respected, she enjoyed it most of the time, she longed for big success, she was afraid she might fail.  Each time at the beginning of an avoidance cycle, she called herself out, disclaimed the old messages and ffirmed her voice.  It took practice but she reduced her procrastination.

A lot of us have voices from the past that we don't recognize.  Whose voice commands you and what is the message?  Even if procrastination isn't your problem, you might find the question worth asking.