Keeping it Real

Remember affirmations? Back then, it seemed everyone had a positive statement or two that they repeated throughout the day in the hope of becoming a better person or just getting stuff they wanted.  They, the affirmations, can be found tucked in old wallets and pockets.  Little pieces of paper that said things like: I am beautiful and worthwhile and deserving.  I am the master of my life and I am making a beautiful day.  I am walking step by step towards my goal.  Positive thinking, yes, but also a bit of magic.  These sacred incantations, not you, would do the work needed to be done to change your life.  Alas.

There are words, however, that can change life if one is thoughtful and willing to work for new behaviors.  I have a few favorite mantras (sorry) one of which I have found to be powerful in my life and in the lives of clients.  It is: Make it small. The remark your partner or friend made, the need to ask for a raise, the dozen chores you have on your to-to-list.  Make your reaction small.  No need to have a fit because your partner has a mean moment, no need to play over and over in your mind what your boss will say, no reason to treat yourself like an ox in order to get it all done today, everyday.  People lie to themselves.  And the biggest lies are about making things BIG. More messes and tangles occur because things get blown out of proportion.  Exaggeration is a bad habit that serves many bad functions.  Here are a few:

It helps you worry and if you worry enough it will lessen the blow when it arrives.  No, that's magic.

It is used to express feelings, especially negative ones.  If I exaggerate my pain, physical or emotional, it will be better understood how much I suffer.  No, people will just want to get away from you.

It helps put other people in the wrong.  No.  People will not see their flaws because your words are inaccurate and they will fight with you about the inaccuracies.

Lately, in service of learning Spanish and also for fun, I've been watching tela novelas which, like American soap operas, give  lessons in exaggerated reactions.  If you crave drama and misery, don't make it small. Make everything big ...  but you will need a therapist.

For more about this topic see LIES: The Truth about the Self-Deception That Limits Your Life, "Make it Small," p.14.

Important Stories

Memories. Some just float through the mind like lapping waves and recede, maybe forever.  Others, you notice.  Perhaps because they are cherished or, obversely, tamped down or just because they recur but for no apparent reason. Like plot points in a novel, they reveal more than others.  They are in the "My Important Story" category; vignettes worth examining for what they disclose about your life.  Here is one of my important stories.

I'm three years old sitting alone in a large room at a work table in an orphanage.  I have a tablet with slots in it. In front of me is a big pile of letters that I must sort through and match on my tablet words that have been written on a blackboard.  I've been at it for a long time.  I'm tired and I can't find a second "b" in the letter pile to write my final word, "baby" and hi Mr. Freud.  Fear is my strongest feeling.  A woman dressed in a black robe and hood will be coming through the door to check on me at any moment.  Just as the door opens I find a "b" and insert it in the tablet.  End of memory.

For a long time, this was a sad memory for me but no more.  What happened was that I found so much in it that fits my life story.  Fear is still a presence in my life (duh) but in this vignette I am industrious, I like the little letters and the noise they make as I insert them, I don't give up, and most importantly, despite my fear, I'm successful.  Also, letters made into words have always been important to me and finally,  I know that when I am lonely, someone always comes through one door or another.  As you can see, I squeezed a lot out of this memory. It's good to tell your important stories.

Here's a poem that somewhat relates to this piece.  How, I'm not quite sure . But it's a room, unopened for a long time, full of memories.

Jim's Cottage

Shocked by the breeze,
the room moves.
Newspaper meal
blows off the table,
coal dust shifts in the grate
and on the wall, a palm crucifix
tilts.

Joyous,
the curtain lifts its grimy hem
and waves.
A small remembrance
of another time.
Of April air,
of clean and white
and free-flapping on the line.

Bridget Harwell

Help Yourself

One of the most useful questions you can ever ask yourself is this: Who do I want to be in this situation? Whether it's a first date, a fight with a partner, a difficult good-by or asking for a raise you will have more self-control and greater self-satisfaction if you hold in mind an image of who you want to be.  This does not mean choosing a false front.  It means choosing (and practicing) a different set of attributes, attributes that help you in whatever situation you find yourself.  So, rather than being the irrational, screaming, threatening or bawling, foolish one, you choose to be a cooler self, a person who is able to listen, who can get across a point clearly and respect other points of view.  Rather than being the shy one, you choose to be the friendly person who you know lives inside you but rarely gets out. Rather than being the one who crumbles or fights back when criticized, you're the one who is strong enough to weight and measure an opinion and accept or reject it on its merits.

One of the reasons some people never change is that they never truthfully ask themselves if they are who they want to be.  Does Rose really want to be known as the bossy person others resent? Does Martin want his kids to be afraid of him?  Does Phil want to be the one no one can count on?  "Yes" is sometimes the answer, but more often it is not.  Understandably, people avoid painful self-knowledge.  My suggestion, creep up on it.  Ask yourself who you want to be, not in a broad, global sense (more spiritual, more understanding etc) but in a particular situation. "I want to be able to be with my mother for thirty minutes without snapping at her." Act on that image. It really does lead to change.

More on this topic in LIES. chapter 30, "Look Out For Yourself"

How to Cut a Pie

Let yourself deeply ponder this one. It's a topic we talk about in our book, Chapter 27: "How to Cut a Pie."

EBOOK

Doesn't make a bunch of intuitive sense but it seems it takes longer for the ebook format to go "live" than the printed copy. So, finally, I am thrilled to announce that our book is now available in ebook form (kindle, et. al.).

We would love your feedback.

EBOOK at Amazon

Who Do You Own?

I imagine the immediate answer to this question is, "No one," as the idea of owning another person is repugnant.  But not so repugnant that it doesn't come up frequently in relationships.  Many couples practice ownership of their partner. That is, they think it's their right to tell their partner what do do.  Not suggest or discuss but  tell.  Wear this, eat that. Clean, repair, spend as I direct.  More subtly, the owner may give the partner life lessons such as how to respond in various situations, whom to chose as friends, what taste to acquire.  The owner may come off as bossy or quietly superior but the reasons for ownership usually are: I'm doing it for the other's own good. I love____and I know more about somethings than she does.  I'm not going to stand by and watch him destroy his life. My well being is affected by her behaviors so I have a right to try and change them.

 Everyone knows you can't fix another but if you practice ownership you are a fixer.  The fixer holds a superior position, the fixee inferior.  Demanding and blaming are actions of an owner.  Requesting and explaining are actions of a partner.   Trying to own your partner isn't  going to change anything.  Try giving up the idea and, most importantly, the feeling, that you own another and see if over time the dialog (also know as  fights) doesn't change. And remember, in this world you don't get everything you want.

Below is an excerpt from our new book  LIES, Chapter 20: Managing Dislike, p.76

People can destroy relationships because they must have their say.  Like all of us, they have heard the most common piece of relationship advice: you cannot change another.  Nevertheless, they cannot resist trying. Their partner is clearly in the wrong. Hurtful words are blurted out or a soft approach is tried. Either way it's criticism and if it happens often, the relationship will suffer.  The criticism rarely feels like it's for your own good or the good of the relationship.  It feels more like the critic is taking care of him/herself, unloading dislike in the name of being open and honest.  And while the critic may feel relief and self-righteous, the one criticized feels beaten up.

WE ARE VERY EXCITED

Today our book makes its way into the big, wide world. LIES: The Truth About the Self-Deception that Limits Your Life is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and IUniverse Bookstore as of this instant and will be for sale on other sites soon. We will be sure to keep you posted. We would love to hear any feedback and, if you do like the book, would be most grateful for any kind of review you might post on Amazon or B & N. 

The book was a labor of love and hard work--a wonderfully collaborative process. Thank you in advance to all our readers. We are most grateful.

Pick up that Crayon

Can tango lessons change your life? My friend Jake thinks so.  Prompted by a sign in the window of a studio near his house and, more importantly, by the desire to interrupt the routine of his life, Jake took off his business suit, put on dancing shoes and bravely went out one evening to learn to tango.  He loved it.  Adding tango to his life has energized him, given him a different slant on who he is and what he can do.  He's talking abut Argentina for his next vacation and about learning Spanish though, like dancing, he has told himself languages are not for him.  He has more energy and finds more enjoyment in all aspects of his life.  That's a lot to get from two classes a week of tango.

What happened for Jake can happen for the rest of us.  The secret is to tap into the creativity that dwells in all of us.  We are born with the creative urge; to make something else from what is, whether it's a thing, an idea or an action.  Think of the toddler who picks p a crayon, presses it to paper and, voila, something new is born.  If we think that creativity is only for special people of high intelligence and great talents, we can fail to give expression to creativity in our own, everyday lives.

We get tired of doing the same old things day in and day out and we dream of big changes, like winning the lottery or meeting some gorgeous person or moving to a remote island, none of which is likely to happen.  But, we can choose to do or learn or create something different.  Julie decided to take up painting though she felt she had no talent for it.  But she loves color and she loves messing with paints and charcoals and the hours fly by. And she has that special satisfaction that comes from the outward expression of inner sensibilities.  Whether it's beading or writing poetry, letters to the editor or a blog, decorating your home for the seasons or joining a nature group, giving creative expression a chance will increase satisfaction with daily life and take you places as yet unknown.  Unplug the inhibitions that tell you what you can't do.  If it feels a little awkward, a teeny crazy and not like you at all, go for it.